The Twelve Joys Of Christmas
by Draco Is My Main Man
Summary: i know its not original but... well its set round about 10 years after Hogwarts and harry has decided to invite 50 people round for christmas dinner.unfortunately booze and hellish kids are inviolved and he has a few problems. 12 problems.implied hd slash


**_a/n: this is what a whole day of being locked up with your relatives can do to a person.I know its very long but i'm sure it's worth it. And because it's the holidays i'll even add a discalimer : _**

**Idon't own any harry potter characters/places or things.**

**_oh and just to help, its set about ten years after Hogwarts in Harry and Draco's house._**

**_Enjoy!_**

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12 joys of Christmas **

Brilliant, its Christmas and intelligent old me invited 50 people round to my chaotic hell house!

Its so goddamn frustrating, my **_darling _**husband Draco refuses to help me, so its down to me to make a **_cracking _**Christmas dinner for 49 other people. Cracking, get it?

Never mind.

I suppose it would have been easier if we had house-elves who actually cooked instead of standing around bowing to me every time I walk past. Or if I had a husband who was prepared to help out every once in a while. But even they weren't as much of a problem as, how did Dobby put it? Oh yeah,

'the big turkey bird walked away Mr. Harry potter, sir'.

Perfect. And on Christmas Eve too! Thank god for magic to help me replace it quickly.

The only thing was, that damn bird was **DEAD**! How can a dead bird just up and walk-

**Shit**. The demon child is here. A.K.A Blaise and Pansy's spawn. There it goes with the freaky staring it does, and that demented smile.

Thank god Ron and Hermione are here with their kids. Maybe I'll get some sanity from-

'Honestly Ronald, I can't believe that you are so unreasonable, so irresponsible, so-

Er...maybe not then.

Why don't I just stay in the kitchen, nice and safe. I hope.

_**12 loony children**_

Ok, maybe loony is a bit of an understatement.

Unruly, loud, traumatizing, detrimental whirlwind's is more of an accurate description.

Its not so much mine and Draco's kids, mostly its Ron's who are the difficult ones, but when they all get together its like the apocalypse. AndI don't think I'm exaggerating by saying that, well not much anyway.

I hope everyone doesn't get drunk; I don't want to hear how James looks so much like Draco while Sirius is the spitting image of me, and how Narcissa is a combination of us both.

And we all know if Draco gets drunk it's all about age and wrinkles and how much he dreads getting-

**CRASH**

Oh shit.

'Candide!' I heard Hermione's shrill voice pierce the silence that followed the crash.

I turned to look at the small ginger girl who resembled a rabbit caught in headlights, her brown eyes shining in pre-tears, her face as red as her hair. I had to smile, the poor girl, not only forced to have her parents' most embarrassing traits, but also that awful name Hermione chose for her. She could explain to me until her voice was hoarse and breaking that it meantnoble, but it did not cover the fact it was a ridiculous name.

I sighed and tried to smile at the girl who sheepishly looked at her feet, carefully avoiding my eyes.

Hermione also sighed and offered to help me clear up, but I shook her off it was Christmas after all.

_**11 broken presents.**_

Well with twelve manic children what do you expect?

Luckily they weren't the more expensive gifts that ended up broken, just the joke presents bought for them by people like Pansy, who thought a red thong would be a hilarious gift for Draco.

How the elastic ended up snapped I have no idea, I didn't really give a damn about the stupid thing, but unfortunately Pansy seemed to find it hurtful, and didn't hesitate in telling Hermione what she thought of her children.

'…Absolutely no control over them, either of you!' she was telling them harshly. Blaise was stood behind her, looking as if he would rather be anywhere else but listening to his wife yelling the shit out of Ron and Hermione.

'Come on Pansy I'm sure it was an accident' he tried to reason with her, but instead she rounded on him.

'I don't see you trying all that hard to discipline our child, Blaise!'

'Maybe it isn't as important as you think it is! Look at Harry and Draco's kids! They hardly give a damn but their kids are-'

'Don't you dare say Draco doesn't care about his children!' Pansy seemed to find the need to stand up for Draco, even though I myself -and I knew Pansy did too deep down- that Blaise was right.

Glancing over my shoulder I found Draco and the twelve children in a close circle all focused on the floor. Draco looked quite guilty, while James, Sirius and Narcissa seemed to find it amusing. I watched them discussing something in hurried whispers before Draco looked up and noticed me watching. He shone me an obviously fake smile and the group around him seemed to close in further, if possible.

I turned back to Pansy and Blaise who seemed to be arguing about something back in fifth year at Hogwarts and realized their squeals were starting to hurt my head.

'Maybe I should throw that broken vase in the rubbish now.' I walked away smoothly, wishing that I never invited all these people into my home.

_**10 Christmas puddings**_

Ridiculous. 10 puddings. And I had to make all of them. Ten!

Bloody hell we don't need that many. Do we?

I never had a Christmas pudding at the Dursley's, there was always a pudding for 4 people, but half went to Dudley and a quarter to each Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. And the last time I stayed there, all those years ago, Dudley got a whole one to himself.

You know what he's trying to accomplish now, the stupid lump? "World's fattest man".

I swear he's slow in the old brain department. I'd rather have clear arteries and a functioning heart thanks. Dimwit.

But then again, I fell in love with Draco sodding Malfoy; I can hardly talk can I?

Well actually, yes. I am after all, The Boy Who Lived to defeat Snaky Face; I'm allowed to bend the rules now and then.

Especially when it comes to my morbidly obese, mentally retarded, bullying "little" prick of a cousin.

_**9 pairs of gross socks.**_

How Dumbledore could say he never had enough socks I don't know.

Does everyone have this idea, "Ooh I know what's really going to make Harry's Christmas! A nice pair of garish pink socks" or are they just trying to piss me off?

I mean its not like they will be used much (if at all) is it? What do you get, one wear out of them? And then if you try to wash them what happens? Well one of three things mostly. Either:

a) The cheap pink/yellow/green/other ultra-violet colour dye will run and mix in with your best shirts. Lovely. Just what I always wanted, a prostitute-pink shirt for going to work in. Definitely a way to make an impression. Or if you're lucky they may…

b) Lose their decorative tinsel/baubles in the washing machine so when you come to take the clothes out, you find that the washer is all clogged up and you have to call that ugly balding homophobe of a plumber to fix the damn thing. Or even better is if none of the above things happen and…

c) The socks shrink so much that even a house-elf like Dobby can't fit his unbelievably small feet into the wool.I suppose that'sone nice way to get blood clots in your feet: wash your festive Christmas socks and wear them for a few hours after until you are in excruciating pain.

Yes, I can certainly see why I would **WANT** a lovely pair of Christmas socks now.

Thank you so much everyone, if the actual wearing and washing of the sock doesn't actually drive me insane, then the trauma of seeing sock after sock after fucking sock poking out at me through the wrapping paper on Christmas morning will.

I think I need a psychiatrist.

_**8 heated disputes**_

We've been trapped -sorry- **enjoying** each others company, for just over a few hours and already Seamus has managed to start 6 of the total eight arguments, the other two being started by Hermione and Pansy.

I really don't know why I invited him at all. Maybe because he's so hilarious when he's drunk. Or maybe I need help.

I actually don't think my sanity will ever be the same after today. And if the constant 'who do you think you are?' remarks from the Irish man weren't enough; surely this new form of torture would count as will breaking.

It was called talking. With your mother-in-law. That's right. The one and only.

Narcissa Malfoy.

Oh the joys of hearing about the little parties she attended and how people tried to upstage her and oh how we simply **must** start planning a party for Draco's birthday in 6 months time.

Help me. Somebody. Anybody.

Neville! Thank you Neville! He saved me! It was a prettycrap plan actually, to ask Narcissa when the next social event was so his Gran could go.

At least I'm free of her again. But unfortunately I still have my delightful guests.

And they just got a whole lot worse.

_**7 drunken guests**_

This was bad. Yet so hilariously amusing.

It hadn't actually taken that long after they had dinner before the alcohol made an appearance and certain people decided to celebrate with a bang.

Like Mr. And Mrs. Weasley for example, after only a few brandy's they were up and slow-dancing like they were alone and young once more. The problem was they weren't young so couldn't remember the footwork, they were also drunk so couldn't remain upright for long, and most of all there was no music to dance to. I have to admit though; it was pretty romantic.

Another married couple that downed the alcohol freely was Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. They had a few strong glasses of gin before they felt the time was right to introduce the group to their rendition of Sonny and Cher's 'I got you babe'.

Needless to say, it was terrible. If I wasn't too busy trying to hide my laughter, I would have felt sorry for Draco, who spent the whole song with his heads in his hands, desperately trying to block them out. Unfortunately their act didn't end with the song; it went on to sobbing in each other's arms and muttering something about 'lost youth.'

I smiled across at Draco, wondering whether he realized how much he was like his parents.

It was quiet for a while before a very wasted Remus Lupin saw this as an opportunity to show off how "great" he was at stand up comedy. I was the unlucky one he picked on for his first pathetic joke.

'Hey, Harry!' he smiled at me, 'what d'ya call a red ball that can't fly?' he asked, and I closed my eyes trying not to groan in embarrassment. I'd heard his Quidditch jokes before.

'I don't know' I answered, finally daring to open my eyes. His grin grew wider and he turned to address everyone in the room.

'A Quaffle!' he shouted, to complete silence. There was nothing remotely funny about it, but it sent him into a mad fit of giggles and repetitions of 'oh I'm good! I'm good!'

The highlight of the drunken display though had to be Seamus and Dean's performance.

It mainly involved Seamus and his imaginary partner-in-crime trying to chat up a coat stand and failing miserably. What was quite sad was that Seamus actually believed he was talking to a real person instead of a wooden pole and was complimenting the stand on its "amazing chest".

This was followed by Dean jealously muttering to himself about the pole and saying very loudly to anyone who went past him, (including an extremely frightened house-elf), 'you know you're a much better friend than **Seamus! **At least you stuck by me!**' **

He then charged at the pole, pulling it to the ground and tried to attack it for "making a move on his man!"

Oh the joys of alcohol!

_**6 drink slurred words**_

After we managed to prise Dean from the coat stand, he decided to try and flirt with the Irish lad himself.

Unfortunately, both were extremely drunk and a normally simple phrase was slurred and misheard which, as I'm sure you can guess, ended in another argument.

The phrase? 'Are you up for a shag?'

According to Seamus, Dean didn't say this; it was more like 'Mark's too much for one shag'

I'm still trying to work out what Seamus interpreted this as, it's not really a sentence, more like random words stringed together, but you know Seamus. Apparently it was implying that Mark, Seamus' brother, was really good in bed, better than Seamus himself in fact.

I don't know what happened after they started hurling insults at each other, I went to get a drink.

A strong one.

_**5 missing bottles**_

Well that's the end of the whole "drink" theory. I seem to have lost 5 bottles from the drinks cabinet in under an hour.

I would normally suspect Seamus, but he's been in my sight constantly so he couldn't have stolen the alcohol.

So that leaves my other suspects. The children.

I stomped up the stairs to mine and Draco's room where I knew the children were playing.

I listened at the door but heard nothing; I pushed the door open and saw all the children around the chest of drawers. Apparently hiding something in my sock drawer.

'What **_are_** you doing?' I asked wearily and they all slowly turned to face me, some wide eyed and shocked, some guilty and sheepish, but one, James, seemed perfectly at ease. As always. I had to smirk at him; it was uncanny how like Draco he really was.

I walked over to them and they immediately hurried away down the corridor somewhere, most probably James' room. I shook my head and pulled the drawer open to find not only my five drinks bottles, but also twenty-odd wallets, which all appeared to be bulging with money.

Sighing heavily, I rubbed my eyes and turned away. I couldn't really be bothered to deal with this right now. Maybe if-

'Harry!'

Oh fuck what NOW? I found myself thinking as Ron ran into my bedroom looking slightly panicked.

'I think you're needed downstairs' he explained cryptically and I seriously considered not going, but then when I heard something smash and a few screams, I immediately rushed downstairs to find out what was going on.

Ah, as if I needed to ask. Seamus and Dean were fighting. Again.

I watched them shove each other into the wall and then went over to Draco and whacked him behind the head.

'Ouch!' he yelped and looked angrily at me. 'What the fuck was that for?'

I glared at him for a moment before explaining, 'there's a fight believe it or not going on in your ownhouse andyou haven't broken it up!'

'Well, you see Harry, I erm…' he tried to smile at me but faltered quickly, 'Well Finnegan insulted me so I wanted to watch him get his comeuppance.'

'What did he say to you exactly?' I tried to remain calm and ignored the gasps and jeers around me that accompanied the brawl.

'Well he told me that…' Draco looked terribly upset about this, 'he said that…' he dropped his voice into a whisper, 'That my manicure looked cheap and he'd seen a lesbian do a better one!' Draco let out a dramatic gasp and I had to stop myself rolling my eyes.

I patted him on the arm and smiled reassuringly, 'Its ok, Seamus doesn't know the difference between a perfect manicure and a botched up one done by a blind person on a pig. I wouldn't listen to him.' Draco smiled and I turned to face the next "crisis": stopping the fight.

But it seemed Neville had already tried to step in and got knocked back into the door handle. I stupefied the other two and took yet another steadying breath.

Really, we should do this sort of thing every year.

Maybe not.

_**4 broken teeth.**_

In total that what their stupid fight cost.

One tooth from Seamus, one from Neville and Dean lost two. Luckily they were not the front ones so they would not be too badly damaged looks-wise.

I finally thought the day's excitement had ended, but no, our next viewing pleasure came in the form of our dear little children. Dressed in our clothes, coats and shoes. This looked promising.

'We are going to show you a little show about our parents' James announced bravely and I managed to hear Draco mutter 'God help us'. Smiling I turned to see what the kids had come up with.

'We start with my mum and dad.' Blaise's devil child stated and he was joined in the middle of the room by Narcissa, who seemed to be enjoying wearing Pansy's thick fur cloak.

'Blaise, I don't think you understand anything!' Narcissa exclaimed in a high-pitched voice that resembled a banshee rather than Pansy.

'I understand a lot more about raising kids than you Pansy!' the anti-Christ could barely contain his laughter.

'How dare you?' Pansy/Narcissa shrieked.

'I dare because I am Blaise, and whatever I say you do Pansy. You are my wife!' the demented excuse for a child beamed cheesily at the audience with his hands on his hips.

'Go fuck yourself you bisexual freak!' and with that Narcissa ran behind the sheet the other kids had erected. "Blaise" smiled, bowed deeply and strode behind the sheet also.

Pansy clapped enthusiastically while Blaise sat there in shock at what he'd been portrayed as.

Surprisingly, only eight of the children took part in the acting, the rest were either forced into working behind the scenes or they just didn't want to be in the "spotlight".

Next up was a joint scene by Ron and Hermione's children.

'Oh Ron, isn't the sunset beautiful!' Candide sighed as Fabian pretended to be stuffing his face.

'I'm sorry, what?' he asked pretending to spray food everywhere. Candide turned up her nose.

'Really Ronald, you say you want time away from the children but all you do is eat. I can't believe your ode…ord…audacity!' Candide stormed behind the curtain, Fabian following her still pretending to eat as he called after her.

Hermione clapped politely with a large grin on her face, Ron looked disgusted at how his kids saw him.

Valora then stepped forwards, 'Ron, I'm really worried about Harry.'

Gideon frowned with his mouth wide open for a moment before Valora closed it for him.

'Aren't you?' she prompted.

'Well…why?' Gideon pretended to be utterly baffled.

'Ronald, you're his best friend and it's always me who has to point out when something's wrong with him'

'Because you're observant.' Gideon smiled widely at his "wife" trying to please her.

'Oh get a grip Ronald, Harry needs us both right now, and if you're too stubborn to see that this pregnancy is seriously draining him then forget I ever mentioned anything.' Valora turned her back to "Ron" as he spluttered and chocked on his sentences. She shook her head and walked off, Gideon hurrying in her wake.

While Hermione clapped again, I turned to stare at Ron bewildered about what I'd just seen. Ron ducked down in embarrassment and I couldn't help smile.

I turned round to see our two sons on the stage, both taking full advantage of the whole 'dress as your parents' thing.

'Draco!' Sirius snapped at James, who merely smirked and turned away.

'What are you playing at you prick head?' Sirius shook James roughly.

'You said that I was an idiot.' James spoke quietly, and I wondered whether James was normally like this, or whether he was just this spectacular at capturing Draco.

'Well you are Draco! I mean, 3000 galleons on a coat is a bit much don't you think?' Sirius begged trying to get to James.

'Well I'm not an idiot, and that's why I do things like this, you don't love me Harry! I need to feel good about myself someway!' James pretended to start crying and Sirius out his arms around his brother.

'Who said I don't love you?' he asked desperately.

'Its how I feel' James sniffed, deliberately keeping his back to Harry/Sirius.

'I'm sorry babe,' Sirius smiled at James and James turned to face his "husband" finally.

I suddenly remembered where this lead and tried to get Draco attention, but the idiot was watching the scene with a huge smile on his face.

'Draco!' I hissed.

'Shh!' Draco wafted me away.

'Well, you could make it up to me' James smirked slyly.

'How?' Sirius asked eagerly.

'Well,' James began running his finger up Sirius arm and I got desperate.

'Stop it now boys! What do you think you're doing?' I demanded angrily.

'God, Harry you ruin all the fun!' Draco pouted at me.

'I'm sorry did you see what happened there? Our sons were coming on to each other!' I said hysterically.

Draco rolled his eyes at me. 'Its called acting, silly'

'No wonder we've got fucked up kids Draco!'

'They're not fucked up they're just…' as he trailed off I took the opportunity to kick everyone out.

I'd had enough, I wanted my house back, but looking around I noticed a few who couldn't be trusted to get back safely in their drunken stupor.

After chasing the kids upstairs to bed, I returned to find Draco saying goodbye to all our guests, wishing them a happy new year and soon they had all gone.

I sighed in relief and turned to find our remaining overnight guests:

Molly and Arthur Weasley, Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy and Seamus and Dean.

This was going to be fun!

_**3 spare rooms**_

I conjured sleeping bags for the remaining stoned guests and Draco and I managed to get them upstairs into their temporary rooms.

After getting them settled in we were able to finally relax in our own bed.

'Well Harry, that was probably my best Christmas ever!' Draco smirked sarcastically.

'Yeah, lets do it next year too!' I laughed when I saw Draco's horrified expression.

'You're kidding right?' he asked and I rolled my eyes at his gullibility.

'I'd say Seamus and Dean are going to be extremely happy tomorrow when everything sinks in.'

Draco laughed and I suddenly thought of something.

'Hey, you don't think Dean would try and rape Seamus do you?' Draco's eyes widened but he quickly caught himself.

'Don't be silly Harry, the amount of alcohol he's had, I'll be surprised if he can life it for another week yet.' I laughed at Draco's bluntness and leaned in to kiss him. He smiled at me and I finally thought that I might be able to have some fun of my own today.

I need to stop kidding myself.

_**2 hot gay men**_

We were kissing when we heard the door slam and loud angry protests coming from the other end of the corridor.

'I need to go in there! Hey you fucking dickhead did you hear me?' that was obviously Dean.

'Erm, I'm older than both of you, I think I need it more!' oh shit, that was Lucius.

Draco heard it too and stopped kissing me. We walked over to the door to listen further.

'Oi! Finnegan! Get you arse out here now we need to use the bathroom too!' Lucius hammered on the door and there was silence for a while until what was unmistakably Seamus puking up could be heard.

We held our breath as we heard another door open.

'Well, well, well' oh fuck, that was Arthur Weasley.

'Arthur!' Lucius exclaimed joyously and a patting sound could be heard while Lucius patted Mr. Weasley on the back.

'Ah, Lucius, what are you doing in my house?' Arthur asked bewildered.

'I think you're confused there Arthur, this is my mansion. Oooh you sneaky devil I see what you're doing! Trying to raid my house at midnight, eh? Well I caught you!'

'I would do no such thing Lucius! Er, would I? I honestly can't remember.'

'Seamus you frigging fairy I need the toilet!' Dean butted in and hammered on the door once more.

'Fairy? Arthur, I don't think this is my house, I think this young lad here has taken us to some kind of gay brothel.' Lucius sounded pretty confident in his whispered assumption and Arthur Weasley gasped loudly.

'Now why the hell would I want that?' Dean asked in a strained voice, obviously he was desperate for the bathroom.

'Well I think you two better sort out your stories! I am a ministry official you know! I am allowed to arrest you if I see fit!' Arthur declared proudly and I really wanted the madness to end soon.

'Hey, boy' Lucius tried to whisper again but it was not very effective, 'I think this nut job here is planning to attack us, on three, ok?'

'On three what?'

'I am a ministry official you know!'

'THREE!' Lucius bellowed and I pushed the door open to make sure nothing bad happened. I caught a glimpse of Lucius roughly shoving Arthur, and Arthur falling down the stairs to the ground floor. I ran over to the banister and looked down.

'Ministry official? My perfectly smooth arse could do a better job than him!' Lucius tittered and Draco tried to smother himself in his hands.

'Too much information mate,' Dean winced and tried once again to bang on the bathroom door.

I kept looking down at Mr. Weasley on the floor, wondering whether he was ok when I noticed him wriggle about a bit.

'Its really very, very cold down here everyone!' he shouted up to us. 'Oh I think I seem to be freezing my balls off! Ouch! Who in their right mind has a stone floor? Ooh! Ooh! Oww!' he writhed around while I tried to stop myself laughing at him.

Lucius was playing with his hair and Dean was practically clawing at the door to the bathroom. Draco was still trying to suffocate himself.

'Oh wow!' Arthur suddenly shouted, 'Look I found a galleon!' and he held up a perfectly round piece of yellowy-gold card. I shook my head as he sat amazed by it.

It wasn't really a galleon.

It was the card out of the bottom of a party popper.

_**And a memorable Christmas day!**_

So in the end we had Mr. Weasley taken to the hospital to make sure he was ok after the fall, Dean finally managed to release himself in the bathroom and I finally got some peace in my house.

You know, if you looked past the terrible cooking, the children from hell, the vase breaking, the arguments, the brawls, the alcohol, the sick dramatization of our parenting and the fact that Mr. Weasley nearly died after falling down 2 flights of stairs; then it wasn't that much of a bad day.

But somehow I think we can go to someone else's house next year.

So to recap what 12 joys I had today:

_**12 loony children**_

_**11 broken presents**_

_**10 Christmas puddings**_

_**9 pairs of gross socks**_

_**8 heated arguments**_

_**7 drunken guests**_

_**6 drink slurred words**_

_**5 missing bottles**_

_**4 broken teeth**_

_**3 spare rooms**_

_**2 hot gay men**_

_**And a memorable Christmas day!**_

Yes it had definitely been a

_**Memorable Christmas Day!**_

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**_a/n: thanks for reading, i know its a bit late but oh well! can i have a review to see what you thought? pretty please:D_**

**_Oh and a Happy New Year for 2006!_**

**_Roxie_**


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